Does whining work?

Spring has sprung here in Shanghai. Winter clothing has been packed away and new spring/summer clothes line the closets. For our daughter Livia this is the first night a nightie is worn instead of long winter pajamas. This change is however not welcomed. Livia wants pants. Not because it is cold, but because she has worn pants for the last four months. "Why change now?" she protests.

As I write this, Livia is whining in her bedroom, "I want pants. I want pants." Like other children, she can repeat a sentence like this a hundred times or more until she finally falls asleep (Last night the 15 minute whine was about her having one less blanket).

So, as a parent what are our options as we sit here in our bedroom?
1.) Try put up with the whining for a few minutes but then rush into her bedroom and give her some pants.
2.) Go in and remind her that it is warm enough for no pants. "You won't be cold."
3.) Try to ignore it.

What is a pro and con of each choice?
1.) If we give her what she is whining about, we send the message: WHINING WORKS.
2.) If we remind her of the futility of her request: THE WHINING WILL MOST LIKELY BE EXTENDED. There is no benefit in reasoning with a whining child. No one, including adults, can think clearly and logically in an emotionally-charged situation.
3.) If we choose to ignore it we teach: BEGGING AND WHINING ARE NOT EFFECTIVE TOOLS.

Livia was sound asleep within 20 minutes. Writing this helped me ignore it.

Making it a great evening,

Wayne

Being a parent

iDad

Should we let our child make mistakes? Mess up? YES!

This post was inspired by recent lessons in our young married Sunday school class. 

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The following is a challenging, yet powerful, prayer to pray:

"I pray that my son and daughter make lots of mistakes when they are young and when the price tag (consequence) is small, so they are prepared to make good choices and solid decisions when they are no longer under their parent's care; and when the price tag could potentially be life or death."

My prayer continues with something like: "I pray for strength and wisdom to hold back when mistakes are made. Let us me get in the way of my son and daughter learning value lessons in making choices and decisions."

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Do not protect your child from mistakes (Obviously, it is another issue if the situation is a safety concern). If we over-shield our child while they are young, they will run to us when they reach young adulthood for our protection and support.

Basically, if we always rescue a child during the first 18 years of life, the child may come to expect rescue during adulthood. Additionally, as parents, we will be in the habit of rescuing and will voluntarily extend our hand of help when our adult child is experiencing a challenging situation i.e., loss of employment, unable to pay college tuition or living expenses.

Our job as parents is to prepare our children to be independent and responsible citizens. Let's not hold them back.

With something to think about,

Mr. Russell

Nap time

Image credit: newgre.org

By Misty

"My two year old is absolutely exhausted and is begging for a nap, well at least her body is, her brain is all about staying awake and playing for as long as possible."

Does this scenario sound familiar? How do we tame the nap time tantrums? Here are a few tricks we use at home.

Visual cues work great when it is time for a nap i.e., we close the shades. After doing this our little one says "It's dark, time to sleep." What an easy way to train your child! Use this every day as part of your nap time routine.

Just like a bedtime routine is important, also create a predictable nap time routine. Our nap time routine is a lot shorter than our bedtime routine. It includes darkening the house, going potty, changing into comfortable clothes, and getting tucked in.

Another important fact to remember is that you cannot make a child sleep. You can only make them rest. In our house we tell our daughter she needs to rest and that she must stay in her bed (for at least two hours). This usually results in her falling asleep from the quiet stillness created in her room.

Remember, a well rested child is a happy child. And a happy child makes for a happy home.

Time-Out for Toddlers (And Preschoolers)

Image credit: blog.klm.com

When our daughter needs a time-out, usually for a tantrum, we simply respond: "Please go to your room and come out when you are sweet."

Upon any resistance we reply, "Do you want to go to your room with your feet on the ground or off the ground?" We basically give our daughter the option to either walk to her room or for us to physically carry her there.

Once our daughter is in her room we give her one more choice: "Would you like your door open or closed?"

Offering various choices gives her some power in the situation and in turn diffuses some of the frustration she is feeling at the time.

Try it and see what you think. You may need to repeat the simple procedure a couple of times for your child to realize what you mean by coming out with a sweet attitude. Have fun with it!

Go here for more on offering choices. And here for examples of choices.

Make it a great day or not, the choice is yours.

Cheers!

Where We Turn To

Where do we turn to when we have parenting questions?

Multiple Love and Logic resources. Their website is packed with great resources:

Discipline with Dignity. This book is mostly geared towards educators, but many of the principles can be applied to parenting.

Dare to Discipline. We agree with most, but not all, of Dr. Dobson's ideas.

Baby Wise. This book is not everyone's favorite. Our pediatrician actually doesn't like it. However, we have had some great successes with it.

IMPORTANT: We strongly encourage our parenting friends to pick and choose what they like out of multiple resources. One single program is not going to match your child and your parenting personality 100%. By picking and choosing, you develop philosophies that match your family's needs. This is the mindset we have with parenting our two kiddos.

Make it a great day or not, the choice is yours.

Cheers!

We get sad, not mad. Showing empathy.

Empathy is at the core of the Love and Logic approach. When a child misbehaves, we get sad, not mad. When our daughter misbehaves, we simply say, "How sad." Then when we share the natural consequence for her mistake, we strive to share it with empathy, not out of frustration or anger. We are by no means perfect, so we keep one another in check if we notice one of us acting out of frustration.

For example, if our daughter fails to wear her coat, she gets cold. We may say something like, "I'm so sorry you're cold, Livia." If Andrew misses the school bus, he stays home with an unexcused absence for the day. "What a bummer that you missed an after-school party on the day you were absent, Andrew" (Fay & Funk).

We want children to learn from their mistakes, right? Well, if we choose to reprimand them, we will probably loose an opportunity to learn. Consequences with empathy may result in Livia thinking, "Tomorrow I'll wear my coat" and Andrew deciding, "I'll wake up fifteen minutes earlier tomorrow."

CONSEQUENCES + EMPATHY = LEARNING

Here a few of my favorite Fay quotes on empathy and consequences:

• "Consequences will do the teaching; empathy will lock in the learning."
• "Empathy drives the pain of the consequence down into their little hearts, where it can be converted into wisdom."
• "It is virtually impossible to transfer blame to someone who legitimately feels sad for you."

With something to think about,

Mr. Russell

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Pick up a copy of any Love and Logic parenting resource. You will not be disappointed! We enjoy this one.

Is your kid potty training? This is how we did it...

As of last week, we are proud parents of our first potty trained child (Now we only have to change one baby's bottom). The process took about two weeks to completely perfect. Our daughter now asks to use the potty no matter the location: home, gym, stores, and restaurants. While swimming this morning, she asked to use the potty three times. Then when she woke up from her nap, she independently went to the bathroom, got undressed, used the potty, wiped, and redressed.

HOW DID IT HAPPEN?

1.) At around 18 months old we began MODELING. We would let her in the restroom while we used the toilet. We would talk through the whole process each time, from lifting the toilet seat to flushing and washing our hands. After a while Daddy started asking for a little privacy. Now she asks for privacy too.

2.) During the past year, we have consistently encouraged her to EXPERIMENT with using the toilet. She sometimes would go a week or two without having any Number Two accidents.

3.) We attended a great Love and Logic parent training a few months ago. They recommended us using the following line when a child has an potty accident, "THAT'S OKAY, YOU WON'T DO IT WHEN YOU ARE BIG." That is all we said every time she had an accident. After a while when a child is ready, something clicks in their mind and they decide they want to be a big kid and try to avoid potty accidents.

4.) When we arrive at a restaurant or store we make an effort to first visit the restroom. "HERE IS THE RESTROOM. If you need to go potty, tell me, and we can go here."

5.) Two weeks ago when it seemed our daughter was READY TO COMMIT, we pulled out all the stops. Nana made a fancy poster to track daily progress. She received one sticker each time she went potty. We are not normally edible-reward parents, but we decided to also give her one M&M each time (We learned that the blue ones were the coveted ones. Using M&Ms also reinforced colors).

6.) DON'T LOOSE HEART. We tried a 3-day potty boot camp a month before her second birthday, but with limited success. We also tried again four months ago, but with short lived success. We knew she could do it, but she just wasn't ready to commit. Now, when she was ready, she was ready. Diapers out, undies in. HOORAY!

Have fun with it. It is a challenge, but well worth all the effort.

Make it a great day or not, the choice is yours.

Cheers!

Driven by love

 

When we discipline our children, what motivates us? Discipline must be motivated by LOVE, not anger. During the process of discipline you want your child to know and understand that you love him/her too much not to do anything. Try using this line when sharing the consequence, "I love you too much not to do anything."

Do we sometimes find ourselves disciplining out of anger? At a recent parenting seminar, an interesting idea was shared. The presenters believe that a big reason for the increase in child abuse is the unwillingness to delay consequences. By delaying consequences, we buy ourselves time to cool down. We also have time to determine an appropriate consequence. You can learn more about delayed consequences here.

Remember, "Children need love, especially when they do not deserve it" (Harold Hulbert).

With something to think about,

Mr. Russell